Wow, I haven't posted anything since May.
That either means I haven't been inebriated since May (which we all know would be a lie), or I have had decidedly better things to do since May.
It's been the latter.
I have decided that I shall continue in my blogging adventure while my wonderboy is off seeing the sights in The US of A, so that when he comes back I can look back at my pitiful excuse of a life without him here and rejoice at having him back. OR to show him while he's away and make him jealous of the awesome time I'm having without him. That all depends on 1. What I do while he's away and 2. What lies I tell about what I do while he's away..
So far, since he has been away, I spent the Monday night that he left watching a stupid chick flick (How to lose a guy in 10 days has to be the worst film I've ever watched that has still made me cry), eaten half a massive bar of Dairy Milk, sat up til 3am watching flights from Paris land safely in Boston, and cried ever so slighty. Today I ate the other half of the Dairy Milk, double checked that the flight had indeed landed safely, read nearly half of Derren Brown's book (while testing most of the tricks on myself), wrote countless e-mails to the wonderboy, dressed Eeyore up in my underwear, tidied my room from top to bottom, looked into becoming a cam girl..
Right, I'll pause there for a moment, because I must explain my reasoning behind this strange venture. I was looking into 'quick ways to make money on google' and besides talking dirty to random men on the phone, and meeting random men in real life to perform dirty acts, the third option was to do dirty things in front of men I neither had to see or talk to.
It seemed like a hilarious idea, and far from actually wanting to do it, I thought I would research the pros and cons of 'flashing the gash' on cam. I read a few interviews from 'ex cam girls' who have said what a great moneyspinner it is (oh sorry, if it's so great why is it 'ex cam girls?'). I also went through the process of applying to be said cam girl, only to find that they required not only pictures of the face, but full body shots. Now, I'm sorry, if you've ever perused a cam girl site you will not fail to notice that there are all sorts of munters on there, from skinny little polish girls who want money for their vajers farm, to overweight, overzealous American's who NEED money for their next Maccy D's Fix.. Anyway, cut a long story short, I couldn't bear to degrade myself to this level of debauchery (or so I want wonderboy to think) and I continued with my day..
The rest of my day went on talking to Wonderboy's mother, drinking beer with Zanna and Catherine and eating half of Zanna's chicken chow mein before crawling into bed, half cut and watching 'The Day After Tomorrow' -which could quite possibly be one of the most depressing films known to man!
While I was in my 'yard' talking to the wonderful Miranda and the ever delightful Catherine, we came across the subject of the 'Birds and the Bees'. Now, this is a common phrase, everyone knows what it means, and it tends to be something we only ever bring up in front of children who ask how they are made.
BUT do you actually know what the phrase means? Because, if we think about it, have you seen the size of even the smallest of birds compared to a bee? This is not something nature should take lightly.
I mean if there are actually birds fucking bees out there we should have some pretty strange hybird birbees out there right? (Notice how I spelt hybrid wrong there, I swear it was totally unintentional yet seems to work).
And if there are birds fucking bees then we must act on this, and stop those poor bees from being so totally violated. I mean, it would be like Rik Waller taking on Kate Moss, not only would it be painful, but the Waller-Moss babies would be truly disturbing.
So, we went on and looked into the 'Birds and Bees' theory on Wikipedia, and even that could share barely any light, other than to refer us back to an old shakespearean quote (go frikkin' figure). However, Shakespeare led us onto the old fail-safe of Shakespearean insults, and here are some of the best we found..
Thou clouted unchin-snouted fustilarian!
Thou puny fat-kidneyed vassal!
[Thou art] as fat as butter.
[Your] brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.
And so on and so forth. No, we don't know what half the words mean either, yet they made for a good giggle after a chinese and a couple of Kronies.
Alas, one is tired and must rest thy weary head (while some of us are living it up in the Cheers bar) and get some sleep.
Well, I say sleep, but this man that delivered the Chinese is so persistent on getting his head down (and I'm not talking on the pillow) that I best dash.
Haha, Wonderboy knows I love him really.
One love
That either means I haven't been inebriated since May (which we all know would be a lie), or I have had decidedly better things to do since May.
It's been the latter.
I have decided that I shall continue in my blogging adventure while my wonderboy is off seeing the sights in The US of A, so that when he comes back I can look back at my pitiful excuse of a life without him here and rejoice at having him back. OR to show him while he's away and make him jealous of the awesome time I'm having without him. That all depends on 1. What I do while he's away and 2. What lies I tell about what I do while he's away..
So far, since he has been away, I spent the Monday night that he left watching a stupid chick flick (How to lose a guy in 10 days has to be the worst film I've ever watched that has still made me cry), eaten half a massive bar of Dairy Milk, sat up til 3am watching flights from Paris land safely in Boston, and cried ever so slighty. Today I ate the other half of the Dairy Milk, double checked that the flight had indeed landed safely, read nearly half of Derren Brown's book (while testing most of the tricks on myself), wrote countless e-mails to the wonderboy, dressed Eeyore up in my underwear, tidied my room from top to bottom, looked into becoming a cam girl..
Right, I'll pause there for a moment, because I must explain my reasoning behind this strange venture. I was looking into 'quick ways to make money on google' and besides talking dirty to random men on the phone, and meeting random men in real life to perform dirty acts, the third option was to do dirty things in front of men I neither had to see or talk to.
It seemed like a hilarious idea, and far from actually wanting to do it, I thought I would research the pros and cons of 'flashing the gash' on cam. I read a few interviews from 'ex cam girls' who have said what a great moneyspinner it is (oh sorry, if it's so great why is it 'ex cam girls?'). I also went through the process of applying to be said cam girl, only to find that they required not only pictures of the face, but full body shots. Now, I'm sorry, if you've ever perused a cam girl site you will not fail to notice that there are all sorts of munters on there, from skinny little polish girls who want money for their vajers farm, to overweight, overzealous American's who NEED money for their next Maccy D's Fix.. Anyway, cut a long story short, I couldn't bear to degrade myself to this level of debauchery (or so I want wonderboy to think) and I continued with my day..
The rest of my day went on talking to Wonderboy's mother, drinking beer with Zanna and Catherine and eating half of Zanna's chicken chow mein before crawling into bed, half cut and watching 'The Day After Tomorrow' -which could quite possibly be one of the most depressing films known to man!
While I was in my 'yard' talking to the wonderful Miranda and the ever delightful Catherine, we came across the subject of the 'Birds and the Bees'. Now, this is a common phrase, everyone knows what it means, and it tends to be something we only ever bring up in front of children who ask how they are made.
BUT do you actually know what the phrase means? Because, if we think about it, have you seen the size of even the smallest of birds compared to a bee? This is not something nature should take lightly.
I mean if there are actually birds fucking bees out there we should have some pretty strange hybird birbees out there right? (Notice how I spelt hybrid wrong there, I swear it was totally unintentional yet seems to work).
And if there are birds fucking bees then we must act on this, and stop those poor bees from being so totally violated. I mean, it would be like Rik Waller taking on Kate Moss, not only would it be painful, but the Waller-Moss babies would be truly disturbing.
So, we went on and looked into the 'Birds and Bees' theory on Wikipedia, and even that could share barely any light, other than to refer us back to an old shakespearean quote (go frikkin' figure). However, Shakespeare led us onto the old fail-safe of Shakespearean insults, and here are some of the best we found..
Thou clouted unchin-snouted fustilarian!
Thou puny fat-kidneyed vassal!
[Thou art] as fat as butter.
[Your] brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.
And so on and so forth. No, we don't know what half the words mean either, yet they made for a good giggle after a chinese and a couple of Kronies.
Alas, one is tired and must rest thy weary head (while some of us are living it up in the Cheers bar) and get some sleep.
Well, I say sleep, but this man that delivered the Chinese is so persistent on getting his head down (and I'm not talking on the pillow) that I best dash.
Haha, Wonderboy knows I love him really.
One love
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